Have you ever asked someone if they saw a certain commercial/news item/television show and they respond with’ “I’m sorry, we don’t watch tv at our house.” And you’re all in your brain like, “Screw you you judgmental pratt.”

So… I say that. When someone asks me, “Have you seen…?” I’m all … “We don’t watch tv.” As the words fall from my mouth and I see my friend’s eyes reflexively begin to roll then stop mid roll upon realizing they were rolling… And I want to suck the words back up. You hear, “Of course not. We don’t NEED tv. At MY house we are so intellectually stimulating that we have no need of this… This… IDIOT BOX you LOSER.” What I mean to say is, “Please stop telling this awkward story that will end awkwardly with me being a social weirdo having no context for, usually, a detailed and long retelling of a story that has no personal connection to me.

No. I haven’t watched The Voice. American Idol. Pretty much anything you watch that requires any kind of voting or keeping track or contestants. I watch three shows: The Office, Parenthood and New Girl. And I watch them all in one go when I have a few hours some random Saturday once every month or two. So I don’t even keep up on them so friends I know who also watch those shows can really only reliably gossip about them with me at the end of summer break when I’m finally all caught up. How awesome is that?!

And if I haven’t watched tv, then I don’t see the commercials. This is a blessing, but haven’t seen the funny, the annoying, the repetitive, the characters. I don’t know it. Them. And I’m not trying to be snotty about it. I just don’t know it.

But I am proud.

Anyone who has known me since childhood knows I had quite the tv habit as a kid that bled into my young adult life. I looooved tv! I knew what was playing on which night at what time and I planned my events around my shows (seriously, Thursday nights in the 1980’s were Cosby nights and you didn’t mess with that). We didn’t have cable as a kid until I was 17, so when that came it just added MTV, VH1, E! And more More MORE. I perfected the art of pausing the VHS tape recording right when the commercial came on making for hours of commercial free Real World marathons and New Kids videos when there was nothing else good on tv. And I won’t even start on my lengthy obsession with talk shows. Ugh. But when I moved out, all that changed.

Through the years I have weaned myself off of tv. I only paid for cable once for six months when I was 22. Otherwise I’ve always said I can find more than enough to watch on antenna, DVD, and eventually online. PBS cooking shows became a staple. Rick Steve’s became my tour guide. I figured out This American Life and tuned in to Click and Clack. I cursed stormy nights when the wind made my antenna signal too weak. And over time it became difficult enough so that I turned away altogether. Hulu replaced any need for a viewing schedule. Then we just forgot to look at all.

Though I have to say that the kids have something to do with it too. I’ll never forget the moment when I realized Gigi knew the names of and could recognize all the Friends cast. Mama had thought it was fairly innocuous until her tender lil three year old asked her what sex was after Rachel and Ross got into it while I was switching loads in the dryer or something. Oops. These days we try to keep it age appropriate, without too many make-out scenes or deaths in front of the kids. Fortunately, they seem to have forgotten any damage we inflicted on them when they were little and clapping along with the Friends theme song. They don’t need that stuff yet. Unless the Skywalkers are involved then its all sister kissing and people falling to their deaths in Rancor and Sarlac pits.

Every now and then something new worms its way into our brains as must see tv. We’ve tried the zombie show, a few sitcoms, a little this and that. But we always return to something that makes us laugh and feel comfortable, usually on DVD, often recited along with the viewing, or even just listened to, the shows having been seen so often we know them by heart. *It’s embarrassing, but it’s nice to listen to it like background music, drifting in and out of conversations and picking it up where we left off when it gets quiet, when we see a favorite part.

So there’s never judgement on my end over your tv viewing, friend. Watch it all you want. I have jealousy sometimes for the people who find the time to have the reliable go to must see shows. I envy couch nights sometimes. But for now it just doesn’t fit into my life in a huge way, and I think that’s kind of a nice thing.

So I’m sorry, but I just don’t watch tv.
I hope you understand.

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*On replay: Friends, Cosby (good things never stale and they are mostly kid friendly), That 70’s Show, Freaks and Geeks, Good Neighbors, Brady Bunch, anything Star Wars (his pick), anything Judd Apatow (her [admittedly lowbrow, nonetheless deliciously hilarious] pick)… But anything on TV ever is always her idea. 🙂


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